I found this on some page but I could not recall what website...sorry
Rebuilding Trust
On the pages that follow, we provide specific advice for rebuilding trust in a close relationship.
But, before going over these steps, it helps to understand what's at stake (take me to the steps).
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That is, what benefits do people get from having a close, healthy relationship?
For starters, being in a romantic relationship provides many physical benefits – individuals in close relationships live longer and enjoy better health outcomes than people who lack such relationships (see, Berkman and Syme, Sarason and Sarason). This gain is undoubtedly due to the fact that people in close relationships have a built-in emotional and physical support system – someone to care for them and provide comfort in times of need. Not only do people in close relationships live longer, but they report being happier and more satisfied with life than individuals who fail to find a companion (see, Sarason and Sarason).
Second, having a romantic relationship provides many resource benefits. Sharing resources with another person is a great way to get ahead in life. Two people working together can live better than one. When you have someone close to share and trade resources with, you come out ahead (see, Cole & Teboul).
Third, people in romantic relationships receive more social support; that is, having someone who is attentive to your needs and concerns. Having social support translates into many other beneficial outcomes. People who know that someone supports them make better decisions in life with less stress and anxiety (see, Sarason and Sarason).
Fourth, having a companion often makes life more enjoyable. Having someone with whom to share life's little things, like walking the dog, watching TV, eating meals is important; it enriches the experience itself and people report having a higher overall quality of life when they have someone to share it with (see, Sarason and Sarason).
Fifth, relationships are useful because partners monitor each other's potentially destructive behavior and make attempts to stop each other from doing things that may be harmful. For example, individuals in close relationships often try to get their romantic partners to quit smoking, drink less, curb their drug use and so on (see, Sarason and Sarason).
Finally, people in romantic relationships have sex more often than single people do. Having sex on a regular basis is important for one's well-being (see, Regan).
All told, romantic relationships provide enormous benefits to people lucky enough to find someone to love and someone who loves them in return.
On the pages that follow, the specific steps to building trust are discussed:
create understanding
apologize effectively
explain point of view
make promises
follow through on promises
discuss how promises are being kept
issues of timing
final considerations
Or using the link on the right will take you through each page of this section....
Rebuilding Trust Requires Understanding A Partner's Feelings
The loss of trust is a very painful experience. It often involves a lot of hurt, confusion, anger, and sadness.
Dealing with these emotions is critical when trying to rebuild trust. When upset, we want our partners to understand our point of view - to understand our feelings and emotions.
Having a spouse or partner understand how we feel is important (see, Reis and Shaver, Cole and Teboul, Fincham, Paleari and Regalia). Having a partner understand our hurt and pain helps us move beyond such negative feelings.
If a partner does not take the time to make us feel understood - we try to get even - we try to make our partners feel as bad as we do. Even though it sounds childish, when someone does not understand our pain - we try to make them feel our pain (Axelrod and Hamilton, Gouldner).
Often partners do not take the time to make us feel understood because they do not know how to do it or because they get defensive (feel under attack).
When accused of wrongdoing, people often try to...
apologize
offer excuses and explanations
withdraw
or even attack back....
These strategies do not work very well in the long run because they fail to create real understanding.
When trying to build or repair trust - it helps to see the situation from the other's point of view. Try to understand why the other person is so upset - directly acknowledge his or her feelings ("you are angry, hurt, confused") and interpretation of the situation ("and, you have every right to be upset, because what I did was wrong.")
You basically have to agree that your partner's feelings are legitimate and fair - let the other person know that you get it. If you can do this, trust is going to be much easier to regain.
If you can make someone feel understood when they are upset, they are more likely to...
calm down
forgive you
feel closer
listen to your side of the story...
If you don't take the time to understand your partner's feelings, rebuilding trust is much more difficult to do.
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